when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
