What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
