Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
