I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
