You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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