I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
