Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
