Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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