My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
