Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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