you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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