Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
