Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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