I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
