peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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