I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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