I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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