she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
