highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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