My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
