Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
