You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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