Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
