The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize