you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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