If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
