Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i came on her dog
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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