My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
