i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
