the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
