Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
