I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
God, I missed his penis.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
