grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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