ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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