i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
