While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Someone came in the potted fern
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
