Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
