there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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