I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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