apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
