Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
