That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
