I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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