Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
