just come out here and I will go home with you...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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