I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
