I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
