Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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