I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
