you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
