He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
