cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
