if you like me you must not know who I am
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had to cum in my sink.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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