my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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