My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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