So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
