My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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