she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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